Ness-Senpai
by Heresplitatom
Summary: Ness gets transferred to a new school outside of his home town-no, his country, and he is not willing to put up with it for long. When he does get there, he notices several things are...off. Girls with, uh, overly exaggerated proportions and obnoxiously large hair fill the halls and swarm him like moths to a lightbulb. Man, what is wrong with me...why did I even create this...?
1. Prologue

Prologue

Before you begin reading the actual story, I wanted to let you know something.

This entire story is satire. I'll be throwing in fanfiction clichés and anime clichés as well as poking fun at them in one way or another. No, this is not a smash bros. fanfiction, though it may start to seem like one in chapter 2 (yes, I've made a crossover just for the sake of more satire). This story is simply for fun, so don't take this seriously. There are fanfictions out there with clichés that are a decent read, so if you like a cliché, then I have nothing against you.

Take this with a grain of salt, if you please.


	2. Chapter 1 - What am I Doing With My Life

Chapter 1 - What am I Doing with my Life

Ness didn't want to get out of bed. No one would in his position. Recently he was transferred into another school for an unknown reason, and it was the first day. Grumbling and moaning, he pulled himself off of his bed and onto his feet. "Why is the first day always the worst…"

After successfully teleporting to his destined location, he noticed the location he was given was not directly at the school, but in an alleyway near a commonly taken pathway taken to the school. _That's odd, why can't I just go directly? _He thought to himself as he emerged from the alleyway. As he emerged into the daylight, he noticed two lines of kids walking down the street, one on each side. Ness didn't want to assume that this was the right path, so he asked the nearest person, a girl with obnoxiously long...bright orange hair.

"Excuse me, is this the way to…" he forgot the name of the school, but the girl scoffed at him out of nowhere anyway. "Stupid idiot! You mean Weabu High?" Ness became immediately puzzled and somewhat offended. "Okay, I was just asking-" The girl cut him off. "Baka! No one likes you! Pervert!" Confusion grew immensely. "What?! I just asked you a question!"

Suddenly, a group of girls rushed over to the two. Each began to speak one after another. "Shiori! He's the new student! Don't be so mean!"

"He was just asking a question."

"Yeah, you might get _hurt_ with that mouth…"

One of the girls, Ness noticed, remained silent. She had...blue hair and red eyes? What kind of people are these? One of the girls ran up to him. "Are you okay? She's just so mean, why don't you walk with us instead?"

"Yeah, I baked cookies to welcome you!"

"Stay with me, I'll make sure _nobody _is being mean to you!"

Ness was overwhelmed with confusion and nervousness at this point. He whirled in the direction of the school and ran. He started feeling funky. Not Ramblin' Evil Mushroom funky...

This was advanced funky.


	3. Chapter 2 - Why does the Teacher Look

Chapter 2 - Why does the Teacher look like Chuck Norris

Ness sat down, thinking about what happened on his walk to school. All of the girls who went to this school seemed...drawn to him for an unknown reason. Sighing, he reached down into his bag, pulled out his books, and looked back up only to see that a tall and somewhat muscular man wearing an appropriate suit and sunglasses had seemingly appeared out of nowhere. "Alright, students, my name is Mr. Pliskin, and I will be your-"  
"SENSEI!"  
Oh, great. The extrovert girl Ness encountered earlier was in the classroom with him. "Yes, Ayano?" The girl stood up. "Is it possible to move our-" Mr. Pliskin quickly interrupted, as if he somehow knew what she was going to say. "Switching seats willfully would decrease classroom productivity, something we really want to avoid on the first day." Ayano pleaded. "But look at poor little Ness over there, he looks so lonely with no one-" Mr. Pliskin cut her off once again. "I'm sure he will be just fine like that, right, Ness?"

Ness looked around class and quickly realized that every one of those girls that confronted him was sitting in the same room. He knew that his best option was to keep his distance from these bizarre people. "Yeah, I'm fine."  
"Good. Now let's begin."

After a long day of learning and studying, Ness packed his backpack and began to walk out the door. Before he stepped out, however, Mr. Pliskin spoke. "Ness, can I talk to you for a minute?" Ness walked over to the teacher, but not before looking back to notice all of the girls briefly glancing at him. This made him less confused and more nervous. He turned to face Mr. Pliskin-who had surprisingly disappeared and reappeared at the door of the classroom, locking it with a key. The teacher turned around to face Ness. "Kid, you're not in trouble or anything, I'm just gonna need to tell you something." He took off his sunglasses, and the boy knew who it was immediately.

"Why are you making a crossover?"

"Since Kojima got fired I've been doing my own work."

"What do you mean?"

Snake walked to one side of the room, pulled down a projector screen, then turned on a projector.

"Kid, this 'school' you're at right now is really outlandish. Most people call it 'anime' for some reason. That's why all the girls are acting clingy to you. My buddy Otacon did a bit of research, and supposedly several female students here were sending complaints to the school board, saying all the guys were being violent and abusive, even sexually. The thing is, they don't know what's really going on."

"What do you mean?"

"They were trying to get the guys to switch schools with someone specific. They were told rumors of a young boy who was strong, courageous and a good friend and person overall. Some people who knew that boy said he was 'cute,' but probably because he was still 14. The girl students were so obsessed that they learned the boy's name, country, and even school. That boy I'm talking about is you, Ness."

Ness was trembling with fear. "Out of all people, why me? Why not some hot nice guy down the street? Besides, I'm still in middle school, why was I moved into high school?" Snake put his hand on his forehead. "Beats me, kid. I've infiltrated the school network, and I put out an email to the board saying you're gonna need to move back to your old school. The problem is, after they got the message, they couldn't immediately switch you just like that. It's gonna take some time."

"How much?"

"About a month."

Ness froze. "A month..?" Snake sat down. "Yeah, it's as much I could push it." A whole month in this place was like going back to fight Giygas three more times. All those girls were stalking him for who knows how long, and their obsession can only get worse from here. Things were not going to end well.

"Kid, I'm gonna try hard to keep you away from them, but there's not much I can do besides making sure you're alone in the back corner." Snake opened a nearby window. "You might want to leave through here. They're all crowded near the door, but out of sight, trust me." The boy walked towards the window, and nervously sat on the windowsill. "Thanks, Snake." He climbed down, and stepped foot on the grass. Snake closed the window and resumed his work. Ness walked 20 metres away from the school, and then booked it. He wanted to make sure nobody would follow him home.


	4. Chapter 3 - This Feels Kinda Sketchy

Chapter 3 - This Feels Kinda Sketchy

Ness didn't want to go to lunch. Snake couldn't pull him out this time, and he knew he was in for a whole load of pig's butt.

Right as he stepped outside the classroom, he dashed down the hall, and up the steps. If he were to hide anywhere, then it would have to be on the roof. He found the door up to the roof and bashed into the door, but it wouldn't open. It was locked. _Oh no…_he thought to himself. _Alright, I just gotta find a different- _"Uwaaaahh!"

He turned around only to be greeted by whom he was trying to avoid, the extrovert and her three friends. "Hey! Ness, right? The roof's closed off today, they're doing work up there." Ness noticed a syringe in one of the girls' hands, and she quickly hid it from view. This was getting really sketchy really quickly. "Uhh...no, I was just, uhh…"

"Come on, you can eat with us."

"Yeah, I even made you something for you!"

"Come on, Ness, it'll be _fun…_"

Ness started to wonder why one girl would always have one word in her dialogue italicized. Nonetheless, it didn't make him feel good.

The group was seated on a bench near the outdoor fountain of the school. Ness was kind of surrounded by the girls, besides the shy one of course. "Alright, I'm Ayano, I'm a bit extroverted, so please bear with it. This is Nanami, she obviously loves to cook, this is Koharu, she's interested in weaponry and stealth for her own reasons, and...Rei, speak up for yourself!" The blue haired girl looked over at Ness with a blank stare. "Hi." She turned back. "Augh, why are you so shy all the time? Anyway, Nanami, give it to him!"

Ness was handed a black box that felt warm to the touch. He was glad he was being accepted into the school, but what ruined it was the fact that these girls seemed as if they lived for him. He opened the box, and it was filled with...food. No big surprise.

Ness did enjoy the meal, but was still unsettled in the end. The bell for class rang, and all but Koharu had left for class already. The boy hopped off of the bench and onto his two legs, which gave in immediately. He stumbled onto the ground and panicked. Something was not normal, even for Mother game standards. "Oh, no! Ness, you look awful! Let me take you to the nurse." said Koharu. Ness didn't trust this girl at all whatsoever, so he refused. "No thanks, just gimme a sec." His mind began to circulate with PSI, and he knew how to fix his legs. In a few moments of Healing, his legs were as good as new. "See? I'm fine. Now I should probably get to class." He ran off, leaving Koharu behind in shock. She pulled out an empty syringe.

"How did the anesthetic tofu fail?"


	5. Chapter 4 - How Much will I Emphasize

Chapter 4 - How much will I Emphasize a Stereotype

Finally, the final bell. Ness was already packed, as he wanted to get out of the school as soon as possible. He dashed through the door and down the hall, checking back to make sure nobody was following him. He arrived at the entrance when he noticed Rei and another girl talking to each other near the entrance.

"Hey, so I noticed you've been watching him, haven't you?"

"..."

It was the girl who retaliated when he simply asked a question.

"Well, I wanted to let you know he's a baka mother-baka-ing baka, and you should stay away from him!"

"..."

Normally, Ness would be surprised by the girls at this school, but he wasn't this time. He noticed Rei grew a smirk that was just barely noticeable.

"W-what's so funny?"

"You like him, don't you, Shiori?"

"!"

Shiori's face turned red very quickly, and Ness' did as well.

"N-n-n-no! W-w-w-why would I ever like someone as disgusting as him?!"

"I'm not going to get in your way. Besides, I noticed cookies in your hand as you were waiting here. Were you going to give him some?"

Ness couldn't take it anymore, he revealed himself. Rei looked over Shiori's shoulder. "Oh, look who it is." She turned around. "Go ahead." She scooted forwards.

"I...baked cookies…"

Ness just wanted to get this over with. He wanted to refuse, as he heard her clearly insult him earlier, but on the other hand, he didn't want to crush her soul.

"Uh...thanks…"

"B-but don't get the wrong idea!"

_Here we go._

"I-I only gave you these because they're leftovers! It's not like...I like you or anything!"

_Yeah, right. _Ness munched on a cookie. It wasn't actually that bad.

"Baka!" She tried to slap him , but Ness came prepared. He grabbed her by the wrist like it was the matrix. Her shock froze her in place. "Thanks for the cookies, I'll be sure to enjoy them." He strolled out the entrance with a grin on his face. If he wasn't going to like it here, he might as well make the best of it.


	6. Chapter 5 - I Know Some of You have a

Chapter 5 - I Know Some of You have a Bizarre Fetish for this

Today Ness decided to try to come to school very early, as he believed he could avoid those weird girls and hide somewhere in the building. He got to the building by 6:00 AM (for reference schools hours began at 7:30), ran around to the back, and stopped to catch his breath. Finally, some safety.

He looked around, and he noticed someone in the distance. Three someones that grew closer, that is. Fortunately, it wasn't one of the girls. Unfortunately, it was something potentially worse. It appeared to be a group of roughneck guys, and Ness had guessed correctly. He stood up straight as the guys ran over. "Can I...help you?" said Ness, who wasn't quite sure what was going on at that point. The biggest, most muscular guy stepped forth, attempting to intimidate the smaller boy. "Listen, kid. I don't know who you think you are, but quit stealing all the loot here." Another guy shouted "Kaito, just beat this kid up and let's go." Ness grew fearful. "What do you mean?"

"Are you dumb? Ever since you came here all the good girls hang around you. Listen, those are my girls, and I'ma show you why they're mine!"

"So, you're an angry slave owner?"

Ness felt the fist hit his face. He stumbled and almost fell to the ground, but he stopped himself. The background guys laughed, but stopped once they saw Ness' expression. "I wasn't looking for a fight, but I guess I'll have to give you one." He pulled out his iconic baseball bat. Kaito chuckled. "Ha! You think a stick is gonna do-" The bat slammed into his chest, snapping a few ribs. His face became a frown and tears. "You're gonna regret that." He charged Ness, who dodged quickly. This was Ness' chance.

A red, blue and yellow beam shot out of his hand into Kaito's head. A following blast knocked him backward several meters. He lied on the ground for a bit, then cowardly crawled away. The other two guys didn't waste any time of their own, as they were already off in the distance once again. Ness was relieved. Someone was put in their place. However, right when he turned around-

"NEEEEEEEESS!"

_Aw, crap._

It was Ayano, the same person he was trying to avoid by coming early. Before he could run, she grabbed his arm tightly. "Thank you! You just dealt with the biggest perverts in school!" Ness was tugging, trying to get his arm loose of her grasp. "Why would they let guys like those into a school?"

"What? Every school like ours has several!"

_Oh yeah, anime._

"So, uh, can I go now?" Ayano's grasp tightened, and Ness became desperate. "I think I should stick with you! You're such a dependable friend!" _Get it off me get it off me get it off me,_ thought Ness.

"Alright, roll call...Ayano, that's not your assigned seat."

She still had a demon's grasp on Ness, who had the oh-so common 'oh god please help me' look in his eyes. "I will mark you absent, Ayano," said Snake-I mean Mr. Pliskin impatiently. Ayano, of course, didn't budge. "Ugh, Ness, can you see me outside for a moment?" The boy stood up, but as he walked, he dragged along the deadweight of the girl, still not letting go.

Once he stepped outside, Snake pulled out a 9mm tranquilizer and shot Ayano in the arm. She finally fell off of Ness. He picked up the body. "Kid, remember what I said earlier?"

"Yeah?"

"I can't do much to help you. This right here is taking a chance as it is. You're gonna need to learn how to deal with them on your own."

"Well, I don't have any stun grenades or pistols or C4s or-"

"You've got PSI, dammit! Why not use it!"

Ness wanted to say something, but he knew it wasn't the best idea right now. Snake did have a point, he had hypnosis, paralysis, blinding flashes and all the other references that I'm too lazy to write down right now because I didn't sleep well last night and I'm kinda pissed. There was no other choice. "Okay…" said Ness as he walked back into class. It was the most unsure "okay" that had ever left his mouth.


	7. Chapter 6 - Oh Boy Here it Goes

Chapter 6 - Oh Boy Here it Goes

It was lunchtime once again, but this time Ness felt an especially bad omen. Something seemed...different today. Nobody would step foot near him, in fact they stepped away from him. He knew he was new to the school, but new kids are ignored, not avoided.

Quoth Shrek: "Now that's not very nice."

He sat alone._Well, at least I can avoid those girls today, _he thought to himself as he ate a fresh hamburger. Little did he know, he would take back that thought soon enough. The creepy girl, Koharu, could be seen approaching him from across the room. She stood there for a moment, then grabbed Ness' arm for god knew what reason. Ness struggled, but her grip was too strong, even stronger than Ayano's. Koharu began to walk in the opposite direction, pulling Ness with her. This was definitely not good.

After a dramatic minute of being dragged, Ness noticed that Koharu was pulling him into...the girls' bathroom. He didn't like where this was going, but he couldn't do anything. She slammed the door shut, and threw Ness onto the floor. Ness, laying on the 'surprisingly clean for a bathroom' floor, crawled backwards into a wall. Koharu pulled out a syringe, and Ness was sure it wasn't a flu vaccine. "What's that filled with?" he asked nervously. She looked at the fluid. "It's anaesthesia mixed with a large amount of aphrodisiac, it won't hurt a bit." An eerie grin grew on Koharu's face, but not the kind of grin of Jeff the Killer because he looks less like a nightmare and more like a fish.

Ness was scared stiff. He would have at least tried to defend himself, but he was terrified beyond belief. This girl was the one had been stalking him for possibly years, and she was about to do something unspeakable to him. He was roughly 14, so I guess this was sorta pedophelic, until Ness realized the age of consent in Japan is 13. Koharu swung the syringe toward Ness, who shut his eyes because at this point he probably knew he was in a trash fanfiction and decided to be generic and predictable. It almost hit his neck, when a hand grabbed Koharu's wrist.

"Who do you think you are, interrupting our ceremony?!"

It was Snake. He threw Koharu into the air and slammed her onto the ground, knocking her out instantly.

"Kid, if you really can't help yourself, you might want to learn the basics of CQC."

Snake exited the bathroom, Ness following close behind. Ness was shocked. "Where'd you learn to do that?" Snake grunted. "My dad...anyway, I came to tell you I pushed the date of your transfer out of here. It's the day after tomorrow. For the first time in a week, Ness became happy.


	8. Chapter 7 - Man I Just Love Conspiracies

Chapter 7 - Man I Love Conspiracies

Great. The last day that Ness had to spend at the school just so happened to be Valentine's Day (look, I don't know if that's celebrated in Japan or in this case anime but it's a plot device so just go with it). In order to avoid the girls during the morning, he hid inside of a school locker. He heard footsteps down the hallway, and he smelled chocolate.

Ness knew he was screwed.

As the sound of footsteps grew louder, all Ness could do was hope. He could only hope that normal girls went to this school, not artificially created and sexually exaggerated girls who do nothing but appeal to horny 13 year old boys who think they are cool and have nothing else to do with their lives-wait, that demographic, it sounded familiar. A demographic of one man who was hunting him since 2016.

Ness bust open the locker and darted upstairs before the girls caught up to him. He busted open the door to the principal's office then slammed it behind him. There was a silhouette of an infamous man before him.

"Why, hello there, Sans, glad you could stop by."

"I should have known you were behind this, MatPat! Stop following me!"

"You know you indeed ARE Sans, don't you?"

"Shut up!"

Ness pulled out his bat, and MatPat stepped forwards. "You know, since you're here, I might as well give away my entire plan because that's what villains do in this kind of story, isn't it?" he said, sounding smart as usual.

"You've been appealing to the same audience ever since you made Mario look like a maniac, there was FNAF, and then Undertale, then FNAF, then whatever crappy game that was trendy at the time, then FNAF, then the cycle repeats." MatPat laughed, then pulled down a curtain.

On the left, there was the first Mario is Mental thumbnail. As Ness scanned further right, there were at least 6 trendy video games, starting with Minecraft and ending with Fortnite, but there was a large bright yellow text bubble above it, and it read "FNAF = VIEWS." Also along the line, there were several Nintendo franchise logos with X's over them, all of which he has theorized on-Mario, Pokemon, Zelda, the list went on. On the far right, however, there was a Nintendo logo with a red circle and slash over it.  
Ness screamed and charged forwards out of rage. He swung his bat, but MatPat swiftly dodged it. "You know, Sans, you aren't the only one who can dodge." Ness became further angry and shot a Red-Blue-Yellow ray at his opponent, but MatPat dodged and plunged his fist into Ness's ribcage, a few bones snapping. MatPat then proceeded to pull out a generic gun from Fortnite and shot Ness in the leg, who was already struggling to get up. The villain then put on a large mask resembling the head of a cartoon bear, then slammed the mouth onto Ness' face, which wasn't enough to damage his brain, but enough to wound him even further. Ness was on his knees, bruised, wounded and bloody. MatPat towered over him.

"This is what I was working on since the very beginning, to expand my channel! Using that power, I will destroy Nintendo HQ and promptly allow the market to fill with trendy games that everyone will only care about for a short period of time, and I will rake up the Youtube views by the billions! I will rule supreme over the internet!"

Ness was shaking, and struggling to breathe. "So that's why...you're slaughtering every one of us…"

MatPat laughed. "It's odd...out of everyone, you were really difficult to get rid of. It's hard to think that your pathetically small fandom is quite loyal, but now, however, you're mine!" He lunged forwards, but Ness quickly rolled to the side. Still struggling, he slowly stood on his bloody, wobbling legs. MatPat lunged forwards again, only to be hit over the head by Ness's bat. A red and black "99999" appeared over his head once he was hit, and he fell down immediately.

"You know…you're about as...predictable in battle…as you are with your...upload schedule…" MatPat rolled onto his back. "I...never really thought you were Sans…" Ness's eyes widened. "What?" He wobbled over to MatPat and kneeled down. "Then...why would you...say something like that?"

MatPat coughed a few times, and his voice began to sound weak. "What you see is just an elaborate plan to grow a community that has been disguised as an 'evil plot.' I have the luxury of being relevant. The thing is...if I lose that relevance, then I will be forgotten, kind of like you. The problem for me is that in order to retain relevance, I must do what people want me to do-theorize on trendy games. My audience is not being controlled, rather I am.

"I don't hate Nintendo at all, I just enjoy parodying conspiracy theorists on subjects that I enjoy talking about. However, we live in an age where gaming is less of an art style and more of a series of trends that happens annually. FNAF, Overwatch, Fortnite, you name it, they were all games that everyone huddled to when the time came, then left once they realized they weren't games, but mindless trends that lasted about a year each just because some guy on Youtube played them. This age is when my channel gets the most attention by far, and I'm just one of many to capitalize off of it. But it has gone on for so long, that I forgot who I was, and what gaming was.

"Ness, you're one of the only people left. I ruined Mario, Microsoft won't stop pumping out the same Call of Duty game, EA makes games exclusively for profit, and Minecraft is a relic of the past. I'm sorry for any trouble I've caused, and my time is running out quickly, so please, remind people what gaming really is all about, you're one of the only people who can…"

MatPat gave his final breath. Ness started to think. Was MatPat really the villain, or was he just forced to be a puppet for the masses? And if it were the latter, why did he portray his plan as evil? Whatever was true or not, Ness noticed a small key in MatPat's right hand. He grabbed it, then searched around the room for any hidden cubby he could now open. After a minute, he found a small keyhole drawer behind the desk. He put the key in, turned it, and opened the drawer. Inside, there were several pictures and a couple of notebooks. The pictures involved four characters, one was himself, another was Snake, the third seemed to be a grown man in orange and black armor, holding a red and gray crowbar, standing in a large, cloudy field, and the last was a grown man in green armor wielding a large shotgun standing on a pile of red mush. Ness grabbed everything in the drawer and put it in his backpack, then the morning bell rang.

Perfect timing.


	9. Epilogue - Yes I'm Planning Something

Epilogue - Revolution

At last, the final bell of the final day rang. However, Ness wasn't done here just yet. He stood up and walked over to Snake, who was puzzled. "Kid, you should probably leave considering what's happened to you since you came here." Ness slammed some documents from MatPat's drawer onto Snake's desk. Shocked, Snake shifted through the papers.

"I know why you came to help me, Snake. You knew about these papers, didn't you?"

Snake sighed. "I knew you would find out sooner or later. You and me, going out there and destroying trends. This is the revolution he was planning all along, huh?

"Yeah, but we're not the only two."

Snake leaned forwards. "What do you mean?"

Ness pulled out the photo of the two armored men.

"Do you know anything about two guys named Freeman and Doomguy?"

_To be continued..._


End file.
